“What would you do if your husband cheated on you?”
“DIIIVOOOORRCE!”
“Really? Divorce? You’d just give up on your family like that?”
“Give up on my family? Didn’t my husband give up on us the moment he cheated? I could NEVER trust him again!”
“That’s cold! I can’t believe you’d do that.”
“Are you SERIOUS?!”
This is a snippet from a conversation I had with a gentleman I dated well over a decade ago. I do believe that was the last conversation we ever had. He was an audacious fellow, and I was a little bit more than furious. The nerve of him. OF COURSE I’d divorce my unfaithful husband! What was he thinking...that if we got married he could do whatever he wanted and I’d just deal with it? Tuh! Nope! I was so undone by his response. In fact, as I shared that conversation with girlfriends over the years, everyone said that I was right and agreed that this guy was clearly out of his mind. I didn’t need them to affirm me, of course. I already knew I was right. Indeed, I was more than right!
But then I began to follow Christ.
Suddenly, as I reflected back on that conversation, I wasn’t so certain divorce would be my automatic response in his hypothetical scenario. And as I’ve grown (and continue to grow) in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ, my perspective on marriage and divorce has shifted a bit. After all, Scripture is clear about the marriage-Gospel connection (Hosea 2:19-20; Ephesians 5:22-33), thus I now endeavor to approach the subject through a Gospel lens. While I still believe that gentleman had some nerve, my newfound perspective actually helped me begin to understand his point. Nevertheless, I do still hold that there was some validity to mine. Here’s what I mean.
(Image: Cindy Baffour)
CHRISTIANS, LIKE CHRIST, WE MARRY FOR KEEPS
God hates divorce, and with His declaration that husband and wife are “one flesh”, it’s no wonder divorce is “violence” before Him (Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:6). It is a spiritual violence that ultimately manifests in the natural in many ways. Based on personal anecdotes of those who’ve experienced divorce, it tears families apart, it beats them down, and it drains them financially, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually - even the individual who initiates it. Indeed, divorce brings grief and pain to all involved, and it makes sense that it would when God designed marriage for man’s enjoyment in the earth (Genesis 2:18; Ecclesiastes 9:9; Proverbs 5:18). It is not good for the man to be alone, so God made for him a helper comparable to him. Yet, in initiating divorce, man judges it best to be loosed from the “good thing” he found in his youth (Proverbs 18:22). Of course this is not good!
In addition to being the institution designed for producing godly (legitimate) offspring, marriage is a covenant before the Lord that is a shadow of His covenant with His people. Yet, divorce causes men to break their vows before Him. As Malachi 2:14 states: “...the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”
To deal with someone treacherously is to gravely betray their trust, and in this case the husband has betrayed his wife, with whom He took an oath before the Lord to be a companion until death. To violate one’s vows is an affront to the Lord, an offense He doesn’t take lightly.
“If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.” Numbers 30:2
“When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; For He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.” Ecclesiastes 5:4-6
In a culture obsessed with the error of “declaring and decreeing” and “speaking things into existence”, it’s a wonder more don’t adopt God’s view on vow making. Instead, when our words actually do matter, many conveniently allow all they’ve said to fall to the ground. Nevertheless, most who enter into a marriage union understand they are making a vow before God and man to “love and cherish” their betrothed “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” until DEATH does them part. Of course, these specific vows aren’t cited across all cultures, but in general, the wedded couple exchanges some sort of oath intended to promise the earthly permanence, security and commitment of their union.
As Christians, we marry for keeps because the Gospel is a testimony of that very reality. Christ offers His Bride permanence, security and commitment in Him. In Christ, His Bride is for keeps, and He washes her with the water of the Word (the Holy Spirit) that she be sanctified unto holiness, prepared to remain with Him forever (Ephesians 5:26).
As the Lord declared to Israel:
“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, And you shall know the Lord.” Hosea 2:19-20
And as Jesus declares to His Bride:
"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out." John 6:37
(Image: Jovaughn Stephens)
CHRISTIANS, LIKE CHRIST, WE FORGIVE + RECONCILE
It comes as no surprise that God, who cannot lie (Titus 1:2), has no darkness in Him(1 John 1:5), and whose Word is truth (John 17:17), takes oaths seriously. His promises and guarantees to us can be counted on, indeed. Even as we are unworthy, God loves us, and He guarantees us forgiveness. And yet, we would be foolish to believe we can take His guarantees for granted. To be sure, while the Lord’s faithfulness can be trusted, He still requires us to uphold our end of the covenant relationship, which is to remain in Him (John 15:4-5). Yet, even as we are not perfect and will fall short, His expectation is that we have a heart to return to Him by way of confessing our sins. For no one who abides in Him keeps on sinning (1 John 3:6). Indeed, abiding in Him entails repentance.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
“Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not hide my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah” Psalm 32:5
“He who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
In this we see that if we be repentant, He is readily forgiving. And as Believers who have received His forgiveness, we ought to be readily forgiving as well (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13). This truth is all the more applicable in marriage, thus reconciliation should be an option if our spouse is repentant and willing to remain.
As Jeremiah 3:11-14 reads:
Then the Lord said to me, “Backsliding Israel has shown herself more righteous than treacherous Judah. Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say: ‘Return, backsliding Israel,’ says the Lord; ‘I will not cause My anger to fall on you. For I am merciful,’ says the Lord; ‘I will not remain angry forever. Only acknowledge your iniquity, That you have transgressed against the Lord your God, And have scattered your charms to alien deities under every green tree, and you have not obeyed My voice,’ says the Lord. “Return, O backsliding children,” says the Lord; “for I am married to you. I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion.”
From this, we see the long suffering love and commitment of God towards those who would be willing to return to Him.
The Lord makes a similar plea to Israel by the prophet Hosea, who was charged to marry a harlot to demonstrate the Lord’s willingness to receive and remain faithful so long as His Bride would return.
“‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” So I bought her for myself for fifteen shekels of silver, and one and one-half homers of barley. And I said to her, “You shall stay with me many days; you shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man—so, too, will I be toward you.” Hosea 3:1-2
CHRISTIANS, LIKE CHRIST, WE MAY PUT AWAY THE UNFAITHFUL
God’s faithfulness and patience with us is astounding. Yet, again, it is nothing to be taken for granted, for we also see that if His beloved plays the harlot with other gods (idolatry metaphorically represented as adultery/sexual immorality) and will not return, the Lord does exercise His right to put her away. As Jeremiah3:6-10 reads:
“Have you seen what backsliding Israel has done? She has gone up on every high mountain and under every green tree, and there played the harlot. And I said, after she had done all these things, ‘Return to Me.’ But she did not return. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. Then I saw that for all the causes for which backsliding Israel had committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a certificate of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but went and played the harlot also. So it came to pass, through her casual harlotry, that she defiled the land and committed adultery with stones and trees. And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah has not turned to Me with her whole heart, but in pretense,” says the Lord.
As we see here, Israel played the harlot and when she would not repent, God gave her a certificate of divorce. Judah, shameless in her harlotry and lukewarm in her service to God, also fails to repent here, thus she does not receive an invitation from the Lord to return.
The Lord’s handling of Israel and Judah is consistent, of course, with Jesus’s teachings concerning marriage and divorce (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:9). According to Jesus, marriage is for keeps, yet a spouse can initiate a divorce in the case of sexual immorality. As is clear from the example above and elsewhere in Scripture, sexual immorality is akin to idolatry in God’s eyes, and it’s no small offense. God hates divorce. He also hates idolatry, calling it an abomination (Deuteronomy 7:25). In the Lord’s rebuke of Judah by way of Jeremiah, Judah is accused of treachery and half-heartedness, as they have betrayed the Lord by claiming to serve Him while still serving whatever other gods they lusted after. Of course, Christ will never cast out those who come to Him. Yet, we see Him emphatically declare that He will vomit the lukewarm out of His mouth (Revelation 3:16). He also says that one day He will say to those who call Him Lord but work iniquity to “depart” from Him, for He never knew them (Matthew 7:21-23). And, of course, we see from 2 Timothy that “if we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him, He also will deny us” (2 Timothy 2:12). Christ is under no obligation to remain with the unfaithful, and the unfaithful have no guarantees to remain in Him. In fact, Christ will cut them all off one Day.
The same principle applies in the case of sexual immorality. While Christians are to marry for keeps and seek reconciliation, if a spouse proves to be “lukewarm” by unrepentantly breaking their vow to forsake all others and instead lies with both you and another (or others), what true commitment is there to your union as “one flesh”? As such, on the grounds of sexual immorality, a Believer, like Christ, is permitted to send away the unfaithful person. Though, if that unfaithful spouse proves repentant (and hasn’t since married another Deuteronomy 24:1-4), reconciliation would be the most Christ-like response (Matthew 18:15; Galatians 6:1).
Sexual immorality gives one legal grounds for divorce in the eyes of the Lord, yet this isn’t a right that has to be exercised (1 Corinthians 6:7). A Believer must exercise wisdom and prayerfully consider all pertinent factors before taking this step and act in good faith, for all things are lawful, but not all are beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23). After all, it was the Lord’s original intent that the married only separate in death (Matthew 19:8).
(Image: Zoriana Stakhniv)
WHAT GOD JOINED TOGETHER, ONLY GOD CAN SEPARATE
If a Believer opts to divorce even on these grounds, however, it raises the question of whether they’d be free to remarry. Some would say no, holding that marriage is binding until death, regardless of divorce. As Paul shares in Romans 7:2, “For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.” Ironically, in this verse, Paul is using marriage bonds to illustrate the freedom Christian Jews now have in Christ. Through Him, they have died to the old system and are thus free to be married to another: Jesus Christ. But for the sake of argument, it might be helpful to consider by what law Paul is saying the wife is ultimately bound. For adultery, by Law, carried the death penalty (Leviticus 20:10), so that would have automatically satisfied the “death” requirement. Also, by Law, divorce is permitted in the case of sexual immorality, which was true under Mosaic Law (Deuteronomy 24:1) but clarified by Jesus in the Gospels. Further, it’s fair to recognize that “what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9) is not nullified or contradicted by Jesus’s teaching concerning divorce, for He’s teaching that GOD will permit the separation on the grounds of sexual immorality. The laws of men do not separate the married on these grounds, God is permitting it on these grounds, for Jesus said:
“But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” Matthew 5:31-32
“And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9
Further, remarriage in this case, is allowed as remarriage in itself doesn’t make the divorced person and the person who marries them adulterers, but the unlawful reason for the separation causes this sin when one remarries. Jesus is clear that one who initiates divorce, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, becomes an adulterer if they remarry, causes their former spouse to become an adulterer if they remarry, and anyone who marries their former spouse becomes an adulterer. This is because, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, the original union was not legally dissolved in God’s eyes.
This is why the divorced women in Corinth were instructed to remain unmarried or be reconciled to their spouse (1 Corinthians 7:11). These women initiated their divorces, they were not victims of divorce (as was most often the case amongst Jewish wives). Further, because Scripture interprets Scripture, we know that Paul isn’t contradicting Jesus here, as He’s already clarified that divorce is permitted by God only on the grounds of sexual immorality (Matthew 19:8). Paul’s instructions to reconcile or remain unmarried are because their initiated separations didn’t meet that legal standard. Thus, if they ever married another, they, too, would have been guilty of adultery.
I SAID ALL OF THIS TO SAY…
So, what would I do if my husband were unfaithful? That’s a loaded question I’m not prepared to answer here. First, I’m not even married yet, so slow down! Second, I honestly don’t know. But I do know I’m not as hasty about divorce as I was all those years ago. As I look at the topic of divorce and remarriage through the lens of the Gospel, I’ve come to have a more gracious view on the subject while still seeing the seriousness of the issues surrounding them.
Marriage is a holy union that should not be entered into lightly, for the only way out that is pleasing to the Lord is in death. Indeed, what God has joined together, no man can separate. Yet, because of the hardness of the hearts of men, the Lord, not man, grants a concession for separation on the grounds of sexual immorality. Though, this concession isn’t a cause for celebration, for it would still entail a divorce (which the Lord hates) because someone fell into sexual sin and broke their marriage vows (which the Lord also hates). Nevertheless, if the guilty spouse be repentant and the innocent spouse be forgiving, reconciliation is possible and it would be a great witness for the Gospel and the work of the Holy Spirit. Yet, reconciliation isn’t guaranteed nor is it obligated in this case, so let this be a deterrent against sexual immorality among the married who desire to remain so.
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.””
